Wouldn’t It Be Great If Good Things Could Be Transmitted Through Sex?

Wouldn’t it be great if good things could be transmitted through sex? What if we could catch things like education, fashion knowledge and Super Spider Man Powers? He could say things like: Oh yes, Sexy, I’m going to make you a Mathematician tonight. I could reply: Oh give me those mathematical equations and give them to me good. My girlfriends will ask me: Did you get lucky last night? I will open up my briefcase and pull out a piece of paper and reply: Just check out my new resume! We could pass on fashion knowledge to each other and speak in a new love language. He will now know how to speak Coach and Gucci to me. We would beCOME fashionistas together! Most exciting would be the Super Spider Man Powers we would pass along. She would say: Oh, Baby, I’m going to have you climbing the walls tonight. He would say: And I’m going to take you to the edge of the highest sky scraper and swing you down and up until you can’t take it anymore. If sex transmitted good things, men and women would no longer be from different planets. Instead, we would co-exist in perfect unity. • No more explaining to him how I feel when he leaves his socks on the floor. I could just nail him and he would know. • No more of him sharing with me that I snore in several different languages. He could make sweet love to me and I would know just how he feels. • I would not have to explain to him why I need to stop clipping his toenails in bed. He would understand through our love language and just stop on his own. If sex transmitted good things, the world would be a better place. I know it’s not going to happen but a girl can dream, can’t she?

Tattoos, Summer Camps and Kat Von D

I saved all year living on rice and beans so that I can give my child the best. My oldest child, Chris, is going away to a sleep away summer camp for an entire month. I want to have Kat Von D tattoo the words, “Handle with Care” on his forehead, but Chris won’t even consider it even though I offered to pay for the tattoo! I feel sad as Chris packs his sleeping bag, his flannel shirts, his favorite baseball cap, our flat screen TV, our family computer, the contents of the pantry and all of the bath towels. I think he left one for me and one for our dog, Mr. Pooh…my thoughtful young man. I am crying a little as Chris loads everything into the back of the car. As I hug him goodbye, he mumbles something about needing money. I hand him my wallet. It is a special moment between a mother and her eldest son. As Chris drives away with his friends to the airport, I try to put into words what I am thinking. Instead, I snort out through my tears, “Don’t forget to use your deodorant. Floss only the teeth you want to keep. Comb your hair at least once a week. I love you!” I blow him kisses and run behind him waving as the van pulls away. Chris is pretending not to know me. I am stressing out as there is so much Chris doesn’t know about yet. I still have so much to share with him. • Chris needs to know that for every mountain he climbs, there is a reward of a GREAT view at the top. • He needs to learn how to find his laundry hamper with his socks. • I need to teach Chris to avoid fake people and never to believe people when they ask him to be honest with them. • He needs to know to never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless he can see the baby’s head crowning. Most of all, I want to teach Chris to text his mother once in a while.